What's Wrong With Me?
Posted on Wed Oct 17th, 2018 @ 7:28am by Master Warrant Officer Tsabina
2,421 words; about a 12 minute read
Mission:
S1:3: Myriad Problems
Location: Counselor's Office
Timeline: MD 1
The Traveller finally reached a star system. After months of, well, traveling through dark space, hitting a number of obstacles along the way, they had officially crossed the threshold into Messier-4.
Tsabina, though, felt out of sorts. It should have been exciting to be on the leading edge of such fantastic discovery. Especially when Sickbay was at an all-time low for patients. Maybe it was just tedium. Maybe it was unmet hopes and dreams. Somehow though, Tsabina didn't think it was either.
And, given the fragmented dreams she'd been having of late, she decided it was time to see the ship's counselor. Maybe he could shed a little light into the dark corners of her mind.
Ringing the bell, she did her best to assuage her nerves. She wanted to be open and honest, but not desperate. Perhaps she was.
With recent events, Peeph had been having a number of beings come in for counseling. There was a great deal of stress and upset over the recent events. While counselors were now standard on starships, the intent of sending one on this mission was to deal with the stress of potentially never coming home and missing loved ones. However, danger was always a possibility on a starship and danger certainly had found the Traveller.
A soft voice called back, "It is open. Please come in."
Tsabina entered with soft foot falls. Her left arm hugged her midsection while the other brushed her hair aside.
"Good day, Counselor."
Why did this have to be so difficult? Tsabina knew the clinical need for support therapy was no different from a medical checkup. In the moment, though, it didn't feel that way.
"How should we do this?"
In confusion, Peeph's antennae started to waggle uncontrollably on his head. "Do exactly what?" Peeph simply responded, "Perhaps it would be best to tell me your name and then what brought you to my office shortly after that. I do not often read minds."
Tsabina chuckled nervously. "Oh. Right. Yes, of course. My name is Tsabina. I'm the head nurse in Sickbay and... I just haven't felt like myself."
"Tsabina," the Andorian repeated, the name rolling in his head. "Head nurse.... Oh, yes," he said remembering. "Risian, if I recall." His antennae leaned forward with interest and his face was impassive as ever. "When you say that you do not feel like yourself, I believe that you mean that metaphorically. Tell me, when did these feelings start? And when you say, you haven't felt like yourself, what exactly do you mean by that?"
"That's the thing," Tsabina said. "I don't know. These past weeks and months have been hectic, but no more than any other assignment. I've always thrived in the thick of things, seeking out every opportunity to help where I can." Her thoughts turned toward Remas. "Both in and out of Sickbay..."
She sighed in weary indifference.
"But now? I feel compelled to seek out hidden truths. I voraciously consume scientific papers rather than perform my exercise regimen. And there is something inside me now, a deep, suppressed anger that I have to rationalize through in any given circumstance."
Shaking her head, she gave a wry chuckle. "It might sound petty or crazy, but that's just not me. I've always been happy. I've never been an angry person. I feel as though I'm becoming someone else and that two people are at war inside me."
"It is not unexpected that everyone on this ship would have some concerns, especially after recent events and being so far away from home. It was rather traumatic." Peeph then looked the Risian and asked, ""When did this feeling of two people at war inside of you begin?"
"Oh, I suppose it started after the Ark attacked us when the ship fell out of warp in dead space." Tsabina pursed her mouth. "We more than half a dozen souls that day. I've seen hundreds die though. Why should they be any different?"
"Did you know any of those dozen personally?" Peeph asked leaning in slightly.
The face of a Vulcan--male, middle-aged, domed haircut with low bangs--dominated her mind.
"No, none," she replied, rubbing her head. "Before reading their med charts, I'd never heard their names." She smiled wanly, her eyes briefly sparking with their usual vibrancy. "As a Risian, I try to limit my interaction with the crew. The...reputation...of my people can make casual social interaction awkward for others."
"We Andorian neuters, have similar issues," Peeph confided. "After all, we do not have the emotional or mental hangups that most humanoid species seem to have. I suppose it has something to do with our biology." His antennae leaned back, apologetically. "However, that is a social discussion, not one for the problem at hand, if it even is a problem," Peeph continued.
He then pulled out a PADD and looked at Tsabina's dossier. "Well, you are 29. That means you are not quite in your prime. So, it is unlikely that you have a hormonal imbalance." He considered matters further and inquired gently, "When was your last physical? Perhaps it would be best to rule out any potential physiological issues before exploring your psyche."
Tsabina cracked a smile at the man's clinical thoroughness. "I've performed more physical evaluations than almost doctor in Starfleet. My vitals are fine." She glanced downward at the armchair adjacent to Peeph. It felt inviting. "Have you ever felt like you were someone else? That's how it seems. At times I feel repulsion toward other people, like a voice inside me loathes the infirmed for whom I typically care a great deal."
Her eyes glistened from unshed tears of shame.
"What's wrong with me?"
"There may not be a thing wrong with you," Peeph answered simply. "This could be a phase or something in your subconscious that is trying to express itself. Perhaps you are overworked." He leaned forward further, as did his antennae. "Let's just take this one step at a time and not make assumptions until we have more information. OK?" His voice was soft and soothing, as he spoke to Tsabina.
"Understand that whatever we say and do here is confidential. I make no judgments and I will not do so. I am here only to help you. Is that understood? I just need you to be open and honest with me, alright?"
Tsabina nodded, wiping her eyes dry. "There may be some matters of privileged information that I can't elaborate on, but I appreciate the need to be transparent." She folded her hands in her lap. "Where would you like to start?"
"Let's start with the simplest things," Peeph suggested. "Tell me when was the last time that you had sexual relations, with whom they were, and whether you are in a relationship of any kind."
A knowing smirk passed over Tsabina's lips. "I've avoided jamaharon while aboard the Traveller. Repeat rituals with the same participants in a small, confined population can lead to... complications. However, I did find a suitable arrangement with..."
Tsabina chewed her lip in hesitation. She had promised to be transparent, and in doing so she knew that certain situations would be brought to light. On the cusp of making such situations known, she found herself hesitant.
"... with Captain MacDonald. A man of his station and circumstance has certain needs that I am singularly qualified to meet." A flush of mixed emotions passed through her, ranging from pride to shame to joy to revulsion. "It's been three weeks since our last rendezvous." Was that relief she felt deep down?
Peeph nodded and his antennae leaned further in towards Tsabina. "Are you saying that you are the only being on this ship that is capable of having sexual relations with the Captain? And did these odd feelings you have begin when you stopped having sexual relations with the Captain?" Peeph's voice was soft and pleasant. There was no hint of accusation. If his antennae were any indication, concern and interest would be a better indicator of his emotional state.
"I am." A subtle yet alluring look overtook Tsabina's face. She reached outward to grasp Peeph by his large fingers, gently massaging them as she spoke. "A man does not crave penile friction; he craves intimacy, victory, and assurance as only a lover can provide. The physical release is just the candle on the cake of the sexual experience." She leaned down and brushed her lips against Peeph's forefinger. A single delayed kiss before she withdrew and looked again at Peeph in the face. "Do you understand the appeal of jamaharon? We Risians do not offer only our bodies in the rite, but our hearts and souls as well. Some cultures look upon that brief totality with repugnant disdain. Some individuals suffer postpartum depression."
She leaned back in her chair and crossed her legs, smugly satisfied that her point was made. "The captain needs more than a whore, but he cannot suffer the burden of yet another responsibility. As a Risian, I alone can fulfill him to the fullest, body and soul, without any strings attached."
Peeph started writing some notes down on a PADD. When she kissed Peeph's forefinger, his antennae started to twirl but his face, as a typical Andorian remained emotionless. "Men may crave different things. Not any one is the same. Nor is any woman, for that matter. I understand and appreciate the cultural and emotional significance of jamaharon; however, such things are not unique to your culture. Deltans, for example, have such a strong sexual culture that they take a vow of abstinence claiming that others cannot handle it. Andorian neuters, such as myself enjoy all varieties, of what we call play until we bond for life."
He ceased his ramblings and cleared his throat before continuing in his soft voice. "However, this is an intellectual debate that is not likely important at the moment. You did not answer my question about whether the odd feelings began when you ceased your sexual relations with the Captain."
"We could test that theory when we're done here," Tsabina said rhetorically. "See who has most satisfying play with fewest long-term attachments?" She winked suggestively before going on. "The short answer to your question is no. These...odd feelings began several weeks ago and have persisted whether I've met with the captain or not."
Peeph mentally tried to control his antennae as they started to thrash excitedly at the prospect of playing with the Risian. Strengthening his will, they eventually slowed and leaned back in interested to Tsabina's plight. "Then, we can probably eliminate that as a source of your troubles." He sighed gently and thought. "Do you remember the first time that you had this sensation?"
"As I said, it began soon after losing members of the science team when the Ark fired upon us." Tsabina looked askance at Peeph with suppressed amusement. "Are you well, Counselor?"
"Yes, I am well." He cleared his throat and his soft voice returned. "I was just distracted. My apologies." Focusing back on the problem at hand, he said, "OK. So the Ark fired and we lost people and then you had your first experience. Can you describe it?"
Tsabina inclined her head and stared off in thought. "It's hard to say. At first my feelings began to change. Not completely, just at unexpected times before shifting back. It was almost like having someone inside me, forcing their will against my own. And, as time goes on, it's getting harder to resist, like I'm forgetting who I am. Or if this is really happening at all. Maybe it's all just in my head..."
She chewed her lip in thought for a moment, then alighted as if she had made a decision. "I'll tell you what. I don't really feel like discussing this any more. What sounds really good right now is... how did you put earlier? 'Play'?" She favored Peeph with an inviting smirk. "Someone once told me Andorian neuters enjoy all varieties. What do you say?"
Peeph's antennae started to writhe and twirl. Again, he tried to focus. "While what you say is true, I must remind you why you came here. Tell me about how those feelings changed and how you knew they shifted."
"Feelings are like the weather," Tsabina said with her voice turned sultry. She got up and moved closer to Peeph as she spoke. "When they change, our actions must change with them."
She climbed atop Peeph, straddling his tall, lanky form in his chair. "Right now I'm feeling like I need to play." As she settled atop him, she loosed her service jacket and let it slink to the floor. In naught but her undergarments, she slid up his torso to look him in the face. "Take me." She cupped her hand on his cheek and gave him a solemn stare. "Our session is over." Her hand snaked up the side of his head to the base of his writhing antenna. "Take me," she said again in a husky whisper. Rising up to her full stature, practically kneeling on the arms of his chair, she took the antenna she had been fondling into her mouth. Her position provided Peeph full view of her ample bosom. After a teasingly short moment, Tsabina set her hands around Peeph's neck and lowered her face back to eye level.
"Please," she said, lips pouting and eyes pleading.
For an answer, his antennae started to slowly writhe. Peeph rationalized to himself, I suppose that if I am with her there may be a greater bond and the nearness will allow me to solve her problem. His soft voice answered, "We can play now but we will have another session later." There was insistence in his voice as he pulled her forward, cupping her face and kissed her deeply.
Tsabina squealed with delight. "Oh, thank you!" She began pulling at his clothing with feral fervency. "I've never been with an Andorian neuter before." Parting his uniform to reveal his undershirt, she gasped. "Or one so... so..." Finally she gave in and returned the passion of his lips.
Hours later, alone in her quarters, Tsabina retreated to her bathroom. Unclothed once more, this time she truly felt naked. Beneath the yawning of her sonic shower head, Tsabina stooped, arms clutched around her knees, and bawled.
"Why? Why do I do these things?"
There was no answer. Only confusion. And so Tsabina wept till her chest ached.
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